A letter from the frustrated author of a journal paper

If scientific writing is an art, replying to a reviewer can be your masterpiece.

And this is what frustration can do to you: A letter from a frustrated author to a journal paper. The amusement is guaranteed (I laughed so much).

Dear Sir, Madame, or Other:

Enclosed is our latest version of Ms. #1996-02-22-RRRRR, that is the re-re-re-revised revision of our paper. Choke on it. We have again rewritten the entire manuscript from start to finish. We even changed the g-d-running head!

Hopefully, we have suffered enough now to satisfy even you and the bloodthirsty reviewers.

I shall skip the usual point-by-point description of every single change we made in response to the critiques. After all, it is fairly clear that your anonymous reviewers are less interested in the details of scientific procedure than in working out their personality problems and sexual frustrations by seeking some kind of demented glee in the sadistic and arbitrary exercise of tyrannical power over hapless authors like ourselves who happen to fall into their clutches.

We do understand that, in view of the misanthropic psychopaths you have on your editorial board, you need to keep sending them papers, for if they were not reviewing manuscripts they would probably be out mugging little old ladies or clubbing baby seals to death. Still, from this batch of reviewers, C was clearly the most hostile, and we request that you not ask him to review this revision. Indeed, we have mailed letter bombs to four or five people we suspected of being reviewer C, so if you send the manuscript back to them, the review process could be unduly delayed.

Some of the reviewers comments we could not do anything about. For example, if (as C suggested) several of my recent ancestors were indeed drawn from other species, it is too late to change that. Other suggestions were implemented, however, and the paper has been improved and benefited. Plus, you suggested that we shorten the manuscript by five pages, and we were able to accomplish this very effectively by altering the margins and printing the paper in a different font with a smaller typeface. We agree with you that the paper is much better this way.

One perplexing problem was dealing with suggestions 13-28 by reviewer B. As you may recall (that is, if you even bother reading the reviews before sending your decision letter), that reviewer listed 16 works that he/she felt we should cite in this paper. These were on a variety of different topics, none of which had any relevance to our work that we could see. Indeed, one was an essay on the Spanish-American war from a high school literary magazine. The only common thread was that all 16 were by the same author, presumably someone whom reviewer B greatly admires and feels should be more widely cited. To handle this, we have modified the Introduction and added, after the review of the relevant literature, a subsection entitled ``Review of Irrelevant Literature'' that discusses these articles and also duly addresses some of the more asinine suggestions from other reviewers.

We hope you will be pleased with this revision and will finally recognize how urgently deserving of publication this work is. If not, then you are an unscrupulous, depraved monster with no shred of human decency. You ought to be in a cage. May whatever heritage you come from be the butt of the next round of ethnic jokes. If you do accept it, however, we wish to thank you for your patience and wisdom throughout this process, and to express our appreciation for your scholarly insights. To repay you, we would be happy to review some manuscripts for you; please send us the next manuscript that any of these reviewers submits to this journal.

Assuming you accept this paper, we would also like to add a footnote acknowledging your help with this manuscript and to point out that we liked the paper much better the way we originally submitted it, but you held the editorial shotgun to our heads and forced us to chop, reshuffle, hedge, expand, shorten, and in general convert a meaty paper into stir-fried vegetables. We could not or would not  have done it without your input.

Source: http://marialuisaaliotta.wordpress.com/2012/09/08/when-publishing-gets-tough-letter-from-a-frustrated-author/

What Does Your Sleeping Position Say About You

Here’s a new question for you ask on your next date: So….what position do you sleep in? A new study found that sleeping positions affect personality by determining how we feel when we wake up. 

The way you sleep can give startling insights into your personality, even giving away how stubborn, bossy or stressed you are, a body language expert has claimed.

Robert Phipps, a body language expert, has studied the four most common sleeping positions to determine how it reflects a person's personality and outlook on life.

The results, he claims, can identify how stressful your day was, how much you worry and how much control you have over your life.

It is said to reveal traits such as stubbornness, bossiness and fanciful dreaming, as well as how self-critical a person is or whether they feel in control of life.

According to his research, more than half of British adults sleep in the “foetal” position, curled up on their side with knees tucked in.

This stance, favoured by worriers, is said to show the sleeper is seeking to return to their comfort zone after a stressful day. 

Foetal sleepers are conscientious, ordered and like things in their place, according to the study, but are also in danger of over-thinking problems and worrying unnecessarily.

The research, for budget hotel chain Premier Inn, revealed the “log” as the second most popular position, adopted by nearly three in every ten people.

The log position, with a straight body and limbs at the sides, shows a person is inflexible and rigid in thinking, set in their ways and stubborn.

They may appear bossy to others, and so should aim to “stretch themselves” and embrace the challenges and excitement of a new day, it is claimed.

A quarter of people taking part in the study classed themselves as “yearners”, sleeping with their arms stretched out in front as though they are chasing their dreams or being chased.

According to Phipps, this means they want more from life and are willing to “go out there and get it with both hands”, eager to face the next day.

They can be their own worst critics, expecting great results in everything they do and giving up quickly when things don’t go their way.

“Yearners” should take care to go after what they really want and avoid wasting time pursuing whims that do not really leave them fulfilled, it is advised.

A further 17 per cent of respondents classed themselves as “freefallers”, sleeping face down with their arms outstretched.

Often clutching their pillow, they can appearing to be “holding on for dear life” in what is thought to be the most uncomfortable sleeping position for adults.

Those who adopt it can feel as if life “happens around them” and they are just “hanging on for the ride”, believing they lack control over what will happen the next day.

So-called freefallers can wake up feelings anxious, or believing they still have issues and tasks left over from the previous day.

According to the research, they should aim to deal with things one step at a time, taking control of each day so they feel motivated to “be the boss of their own destiny”.

The study, of 1,000 British adults, allowed participants to select more than one option, with some selecting several sleeping positions in their responses.

Premier Inn spokesperson, Claire Haigh, said: "Many people read their horoscopes, but we wanted to give our guests a more unique way to look at how their day might turn out by looking at how they sleep.

“We have worked with Robert to develop 'sleep-o-scopes' and were shocked that the research revealed just how stressed we are as a nation.

"It is important we try and wind down after a long day and get a good night's rest so we wake up refreshed and ready to tackle the day ahead."

Sleep positions

1. FOETAL

People who sleep like this are returning to their comfort zone to de-stress themselves from the day's activities. The higher the knees and lower the head the more internal comfort you give yourself. Foetal sleepers are conscientious, ordered and like things in their place but they can over think things and worry unnecessarily.

People who sleep like this for the majority of the night can expect a refreshed awakening having dealt with the previous day's issues compartmentalising and organising while they sleep, allowing them to feel refreshed when they wake and ready to move onward and upward.

Foetal sleepers should be careful not to become too stuck in their comfort zone and be prepared to take on new challenges each day. 

2. LOG

The sleeper in this position fully extends their head, neck, arms, legs and body all stretched out in a straight line. The longer you sleep like this, the more rigid your thinking and you can become inflexible which means you make things harder for yourself.

Loggers are set in their ways and can be stubborn, liking things done their way, which can make them come across as bossy or even aloof.

"Sleep like a log" is the old adage and people who sleep in this straight line can wake up stiffer than when they went to sleep. Try to relax more and let your muscles unwind from the day's hassles and you'll wake up feeling more flexible in your thinking.

Loggers need to stretch themselves each day to reach new goals and then your day is likely to be more exciting, challenging and fun. You'll see and feel the benefits in your body and mind as you embrace being a more relaxed you.

3. YEARNER

The Yearner has two possible meanings with arms outstretched as though you are chasing your dreams, conversely it can mean you are being chased. You feel you want more from life and are willing to go out there and get it with both hands, ready to capture every new and exciting challenge that comes your way.

Yearners are their own worst critics always expecting great results in everything they do, which can mean giving up to quickly with things that don't go their way right from the off.

Yearners wake up eager to face the challenges of the day, seeking out new opportunities. However, take care to make sure what you yearn for is what you really want or you'll spend a lot of wasted time and energy chasing things that don't really fulfil you.

Yearners should face each new day as a fresh start, reviewing where they are going and what they want from the day, then go for it and see it through with full commitment. 

 4. FREEFALLER

With the whole body outstretched flat on their stomach, arms at right angles, hands gripping the pillow as though holding on for dear life, physically the least comfortable position to sleep for most adults.

Freefallers tend to feel like life happens around them and they are just hanging on for the ride, which can make them feel like they're not in control of what happens.

Freefallers can wake up feeling like they still have things leftover from the previous day, which can make them feel over anxious about getting things done today.

Freefallers need to take control of each new day and deal with things one step at a time until you are happy to move to the next step. You will then be more motivated and inspired, creating opportunities for you be the boss of your own destiny.

Premier Inn spokesperson, Claire Haigh, said: "Many people read their horoscopes, but we wanted to give our guests a more unique way to look at how their day might turn out by looking at how they sleep. We have worked with Robert to develop 'sleep-o-scopes' and were shocked that the research revealed just how stressed we are as a nation.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/9617122/What-does-your-sleeping-position-say-about-you.html

Books that will never exist

1. 10 BEAUTY TIPS by olusegun obasanjo... 
2. WORLD PEACE by Osama Bin Laden...
3. COMPREHENSIVE ENGLISH MADE EASY by Mrs
    Patience Jonathan... 
4. POLITICS WITH HARMONY by General Sani
    Abacha...
5. A PEACEFUL NIGERIA by Boko Haram...
6. COMEDY EXTRAORDINARY by Pete Edochie
7. BENEFITS OF NIGERIA BEING THREE DIFFERENT COUNTRIES ... By Gowon and Buhari
8. PEACEFUL MIDDLE-EAST by President
    Benjamin Netannyahu (israel president)...
9. RUNNING A WORLD-CLASS AIRLINE by
    Nigerian Airways...
10.IRAQ-WORLD CLASS TOURISM ATTRACTION
     by Saddam Hussien...
11. HOW TO BECOME EPL HIGHEST GOAL SCORER by
      Yinka Ayefele.
12. TIPS ON GROWING TALL by Aki and Pawpaw,
      Julius Agwu n MI.
13. STAYING SLIM by lepacious Bose
14. GOOD GOVERNANCE by James Ibori
15. SPEAKING SIMPLE ENGLISH by Chris Okotie...;-lwkmd
16. Undying love for democracy by Vladmir Putin.
17. How to plan your finances by Mike Tyson
18 How to defeat Boko Haram by Goodluck Ebele Azikiwe Jonathan

Annoying Question Females Ask And their Answer!!

1]. Are U a player? *Yes REALMADRID FC wants to sign me next season* do dey expect u 2 say yes?
2].Why do u wan't my PIN ?? Want to use it to burst balloon.
3]. Can U die 4 me? My name is surely not Romeo
4]. My BIS will soon expire. What am i going to do? Return the BB to the seller and get a Nokia 3310
5]. If I sleep over in your Place, hope Nothing funny will happen? No, trust me we would just perform night vigil
6]. Hope U won't break my Heart? If u don't put it at the edge of the table...
7]. Can U take me out? Sorry are U in prison?
8]. Pls come and pick me.. Like say she be beans.
9]. I think ave missed my period.. then ask the class captain for the next class!!!
10.] Can't you get a Car? Shey your Papa get Car when him dey Higher Institution? Lmyo

Profitable Jobs That Nigerians Dont Like Doing

1. Pepper seller; they earn average of 60K monthly but too many mouth to feed    (Iya Ogoja,Council,task force etc).
2. Welder; 90K monthly(on average) but we think they are too vocational.
3. Carpenter;same as welder
4. Cement and block loader;60K but their bad habit didn't let it show.
5. Lawma cleaner;N25000(Per-time)
6. Truck driver; 90K but it is not white colar.
7. Aboki indomie cook; 90K(average) but their spending habit is bad.
   Medicine salesman(ise oluwa);80k monthly(base on skill)
8. Agbero(chairmen);150K dey be man Manager
9. Neighbour-to-neighbour salesman; 15k(novice) it based on Network
   and confidence.

Retailer of farm produce: 80k minimum.Since they earn more than
farmer(all season).