7 Things All Cheaters Need To Know

Dear Remorseless Cheaters,

Apparently there is still some confusion out there that your extracurricular shenanigans are wrong. In the interest of members of the unsuspecting public that may hook up, marry, or have children with you, the following PSA is offered.

1. You aren’t “edgy.” You think we lack the sophistication and intellect to understand your complicated love rhombus. On the contrary. You lack the intellect to keep both your security clearance and your pants on. Cheating on your spouse doesn’t make you special, misunderstood, or star crossed. It makes you rather embarrassing.

2. Quit with your Darwinian theories already. We didn’t evolve to be monogamous? Well, we didn’t evolve to do a lot of things. Farm. Use indoor plumbing. Buy sequined crap on QVC. And yet we manage. Why is it that you blame your primal self for infidelity, yet you are quite adept at technologies such as placing personal ads on Craigslist? Why point to the reptilian part of your brain as an excuse for boinking whomever you want to? When the spouse of that person comes after you with a shotgun, neither you nor the court of law will be much impressed with his argument that the reptilian part of his brain would like to splatter your guts on the sidewalk.

3. Admit that you like the deceit.

Come on, it’s a high. Playing hooky is a lot more fun than getting a day off from school. Everyone there in the classroom, playing by the rules, listening to a boring lecture on the Continental Congress, while you smoke dope behind the bleachers. Renegade! The secrecy and lies are what gives the frisson of danger to your affair and makes it so delicious. Otherwise you would have an open marriage, same rules for everyone. But no, the power imbalance is what you’re after. You enjoy a position of advantage over your trusting partner. They’re at home, devoting their energies to you and your home life, faithful to the wonderfulness that is you. Sweet gig you got there — and you know it.

4. Stop minimizing. Cheating is no big deal? Quit getting those puritanical knickers in a twist? It’s just a quick naughty with the boots on. Nothing to get so huffy about. Geez.



Tell that to the man who had to paternity test his children. Or to the spouse who gets an STD thanks to you. Or to the stay-at-home mother who made herself financially vulnerable to your cheating ass. Or to the children who lost their intact family and get shuttled around next holiday season, having to play nice with your latest flame.

When your family reminds you of your selfish choices that led to these outcomes, you’ll be tempted to tell them that they are bitter and should stop playing at “victimhood.” They are not pretending to be victims — they are victims. How they navigate away from that pain is up to them. You’ve got no business telling them to suck it up. When the urge strikes, distract yourself, perhaps with a sparkly object like a mirror, an exercise class, or by slapping yourself.

5. Swingers, open marriage aficionados, the polyamorous — no one is judging you. Have at it. It’s not cheating if everyone is consenting and on board. This public service announcement does not apply to you.

6. No one is forcing you to stay married.

If you don’t want to be monogamous, don’t be. Find another person like yourself and quit feigning monogamy. If your marriage is truly awful and sexless and your love language is seething passive aggression, find your guts and just end it honestly. But your spouse and children couldn’t function without you? They need you too much? Let them be the judge of that. You may find that they get on quite well without you. Your partner is a person deserving of respect and honesty, not a consolation prize. It’s condescending to act like life with them is a huge sacrifice. Lay your “burden” down already.



7. This is not your best self.

It is understandable that you want to think of yourself as a good person. Our character, however, is made up of our actions. Not how we wish to perceive ourselves. People who don’t care who they are hurting, who lack empathy synapses and introspection? We call those people sociopaths. Don’t be like that. (And if you are truly like that, no public service announcement in the world can save you.) You’re better than this. Please go live an authentic life.

http://www.gistmania.com/talk/topic,137070.0.html

Ladies: Why Nagging Doesnt Work. Quit Nagging Now!

If you are at your wit's end because your spouse leaves the bathroom in chaos, never cleans out the bathtub or shower, lets things slide, throws clothes on the floor, conveniently forgets to take out the trash, doesn't follow through with promises to do household chores, ignores reasonable requests to pick things up, refuses to quit smoking or lose weight, watches too much television, is on the computer a tremendous amount of time, and on, and on, and on... you may find yourself nagging or being demanding.
Face it. Nagging doesn't work!! Have you ever thought about what nagging is? Here are some related terms for nagging: faultfinding, continually complaining, criticism, catty, carping, coaxing, cynical, demanding, dunning, hairsplitting, insistent, nit-picking, overcritical, peevish, persistent, pestering, pettish, pressing, quibble, recurring, relentless, shrewish, slam, swipe, unrelenting, urging, and wheedling. However, Nagging can become a vicious cycle. The more you nag, the more your mate avoids you or withdraws both emotionally and physically from you.

Why Nagging Doesn't Work
(a) Even though your gripes may be valid, nagging makes your spouse resentful.
(b) Nagging makes your spouse defensive.
(c) Nagging puts you in the parent role and your spouse in the child role. This isn't healthy for your marriage relationship.
(d) Nagging is disrespectful.
(e) Nagging is often perceived as criticism, so your spouse may tune out making what you are saying ineffective.
(f)  When your spouse is being nagged, he/she probably feels attacked personally.
(g) Nagging can make your spouse feel inadequate.

Ways to Avoid Being a Nag
(i)   Don't blame.
(ii)  Don't demean.
(iii) Don't attack.
(iv) Don't criticize.
(v)  Don't manipulate.
(vi) Avoid making your spouse feel stupid.
(vii) Don't give in to your frustration and do your spouse's chores. Your mate needs to learn to deal with the logical consequences of being messy.

Instead of Nagging, Try Positive Approaches
(a) Share your feelings.
(b) Stick to the issue at hand.
(c) Keep your statements brief so they don't turn into long lectures.
(d) Don't make ultimatums.
(e) Avoid using the phrases, "You always..." and "You never..." and "You should..."
(f) Consider saying "would you" or "will you" rather than "could you" or "can you". There's a subtle difference in the way the request will be heard by your spouse.
(g) Set a good example in picking up after yourself, putting your clothes away or in the hamper, leaving the bathroom is good shape after your shower or bath, eating healthy foods, exercising, etc.
(h) Try to brainstorm solutions with your spouse. Hiring a housekeeper or a handyman now and then may be a good alternative for some couples.
(i) Acknowledge your different perspectives regarding chores and housekeeping expectations.
(j) Show your appreciation when your spouse does put dishes in the dishwasher, or picks up a towel, turns off the television to take a walk with you, or when dirty clothes end up in the hamper.
(k) See what happens if you stop nagging.

If you are the One Being Nagged
(1) Accept your responsibility in helping to create a home environment that has triggered a nagging response in your spouse.
(2) Honestly evaluate your attitude about chores, picking up after yourself, annoying habits, and more.
(3) Ask yourself if you have a pattern of avoidance when it comes to chores or other issues.
(4) If you ignore your mate's requests or refuse to even acknowledge that you heard what your spouse has said to you, stop this behavior. Really try to listen and to respond to your spouse. It is okay to say no. At least your spouse will know you heard what was said.
Source: http://www.gistmania.com/talk/topic,136994.0.html

The conundrum of seeking material gains eternally...

The lessons learned from the mishap that happened to Cynthia Osokogu cannot be overemphasized, as many are now aware of the disadvantages of the social media especially in leading people to the hands of hoodlums. This is yet another story from a lady that simply wants us to learn. It is a near-death experience a young lady had with a man who was her BBM friend: "I am a girl who has fears, beliefs, reservations and just your regular typical Nigerian girl. This past few weeks has been one hell of a game for me. I have really been unsettled and I thought I share this story with you.

"When Cynthia (the lady killed in the hotel room in Festac, Lagos) surfaced on the internet and various news media, I was scared and it brought back a whole lot of memories to me and also served as and eye opener. Many people castigated and criticised Cynthia (may her gentle soul rest in peace), but my point is, it could have been anybody, anybody at all.

"We have met people through various social media. Some have ended up well, some have not but with painful memories. To cut the long story short, let me kindly share with you my encounter with social media especially the very popular Blackberry Messenger (BBM).

"I am a graduate and currently serving in Kaduna. I could have runced it, but I needed somewhere to clear my head and forget about my ugly encounter. Here is my story.

"I happened to have a married man as a contact on my BBM. He had been asking me out for over six months and I refused to date him. As time went on, he invited me clubbing with him when his wife was outside the country, and I went with him all night. We spent most of the night at Swe bar, Lagos.

"I also met his clique of friends, married as well with their various mistresses. We had ‘mad’ fun. After all the clubbing and drinking, he lodged me in a hotel somewhere in Obalende. I felt sort of safe with him. We did not have sex, but he made sweet love to me and touched me in places I had never ever imagined.

"He kissed me passionately but guess what? He did not have sex with me. We did all sorts but there was no penetration. So, to an extent, I trusted he was a good person to be around with. I did not know that it was all part of the plan.

"He gave me N10,000 and put me in a cab to go home the next morning. We kept talking and chatting and sending naked pictures to each other and he told me naughty things of how he wanted to whisper things in my ear, I blushed. We didn’t see for two weeks and that was because his wife just came back from Turkey.

"One faithful evening, he pinged me that he was organising a beach party/boat cruise and that he would love for me to be his date and that he wanted to open a BBM chat, as a medium for his friends and my friends to interact. I was excited about it, I just wanted to have fun. I was able to get five of my very hot friends.

"The BBM group opened and we got chatting. I also realise that majority of them were married and working in reputable firms. It was fun and we didn’t mind if they were married, we just wanted to have fun, as well as some other girls apart from my friends in the group.

"We chatted exclusively, sent pictures to the BBM group to introduce ourselves, and we had opened group conversations pending the beach party. And as excited as we were, we went shopping for nice sexy beach wears.

"The D-day finally came, we all assembled at the Lagos Island Boat Club. I was wowed because it was a high class party. We were cruising in a boat loaded with goodies drinks and hot babes, and as well ‘MARRIED MEN’. I did not care, I just said in my mind that I would not roll with married men anymore after this, that for now, all I wanted to do was to catch some fun. After all, I wasn’t paying bills.

"We got there, it was a private beach resort. Most of the beach facilities I got to see there were owned by multinational companies. We got out of the boat, and went to where we were partying. It was a duplex made with wood. It was a very nice setting.

"I felt comfortable because it even had a fence around it separating it from other beach houses around. So, there was privacy and of course bouncers (heavy looking guys) guarding the place. I said to myself, this must be heaven, I must be dreaming.

"Anyways, we felt free with each other because we had been chatting. It was 5:30pm and the party just started. We had drinks flowing from the private bar tender which happens to be owned by one of the men in the group. Reality struck when I realised that I was feeling dizzy and feeling really funny and light headed. Not only me, but other girls around me too noticed there was something strange about it.

"I was also feeling HORNY as hell! I had been drugged. They monitored us and when they knew the drug had really gone deep into our system, they moved us up into the main beach house. I could still see faces, but was too weak and horny to react.

"Mr B, the man who took me clubbing, carried me in his hands like a sacrifice and put me down on the floor just as other men also did with their girls. We were eight in numbers; 8 girls, 8 guys, and they all stripped us down and had sex with us.

"I enjoyed it a bit because I was horny. It was a mixed feeling because I cried, I moaned, but I did not know how many times he came into me. He pounded me hard. I was dizzy, but he grabbed me with force.All I could notice was the wedding ring on his finger. I thought of how wicked and miserable some married can be. How inhuman and heartless they could be.

"All of them took turns in switching partners and slept with all of us. I passed out. That was the last thing I could remember. I felt water poured on me. I noticed all the other girls around me too were half naked and some stark naked.

"We spent the night at the beach, but the men were no where to be found. I looked round me and all I could see was packs of used condoms. I ran to pick my cloths and possibly raise an alarm. I got dressed, found my phone with an envelope. It contained N16,000 and a note asking us to take N2000 each for transport. Tears of anger and rage filled my eyes and the girls around me as well.

"We were drugged and used like tissue paper. I grabbed my phone and noticed a ping came in. I checked my phone and I noticed the BBM group had been deleted, and a message via BBM from MR B came in. He threatened me that if I say a word to anyone, I would regret it.

"I told him he was a bastard, and he said try it. A picture came in, several pictures. In fact, they were pictures of us being naked on the floor. Pictures of the humiliating us but they blurred the faces of the men. In total, I got 20 pictures. I was not myself for a month.

"I went back to school, I had no one to talk to. The rest of the semester was hell for me. My CGPA dropped drastically. It was the worst out of the worst result I ever had.

"Till today, my friends and I have not discussed this with anyone, but all I could do when I heard of Cynthia’s story was to narrate my own ordeal anonymously and spread the news, the word, and pray they (ladies who do runs) see it and changed their ways.

"I am now born again. I have given my life to Christ. I fear men so much that I cannot even move close to them. I still have nightmares, but with time, God will strengthen me and I will move on. My advice to single ladies out there is, do not be desperate for fun. Pray to God to open your eyes of understanding, and pray hard. He who kneels before God will stand before kings and queens.

"To all married women, pray hard to God to intervene in your marriages and turn your husbands from bad habits and bad friends. As for me, I do not think I ever want to get married or date a man again. That chapter has been closed for good in my life.

"Please, do not ignore my mail. Please post it. There are a lot of things we ladies need to learn.Please post it on your blog and save a soul. It could be your friend, sister, cousin, neighbour.

"God bless you as you pass it on. To all readers, I do not care if you insult me or rain abuses at me. My job is to share this encounter with you and save you from any mishap. God bless you all. Amen."

Source: http://news.naij.com/7707.html

Awkward Places

Have you ever had to look for a dead rat? The smell from the decaying creature saturates the air like a heavy musk and engulfs your air passage like the mucus from a huge boil. You turn your house upside down looking for the damned creature in all the usual places, underneath the chairs, in-between the crevices of walls and behind your dressing table, all to no avail. The smell continues to pervade your home as you battle endlessly with cans of air fresheners and freshly scented oils. Then, one day, when you have finally given up hope, as the smell has all but eaten into the fabric of your home, you find the half decayed creature at the corner of your air conditioning vent, its semi-decomposed fur melting into the plastic of your cooling device. Ecstatic, you scream, grateful that you’ve found the wretched creature and wonder how it found such an awkward place to pass its last breath.

The same is true about love. You search for it in the most usual of places, at church, hook-ups, parties and in the arms of old friends – all without actualization. Then just as you are about to give up, just as you are about to throw in the towel and launch into the “who-needs-a-man?” attitude you find it. Dusty, rugged and entirely the opposite of what you planned. But you know it’s love because, …well because it is. You can’t explain it, you can’t define it and you can’t quite put your finger on how it happened but you know without a shadow of doubt, that it is love. The feeling literally catapults you unto a magical carpet ride. Your eyes are wired shut as little winged animals dance around in your gut and your heart threatens to implode from the sheer rush of it all.

This is exactly what happened to a friend of mine – Nneka*. After years of searching for love, she found Bayo*. But he wasn’t the tall, accomplished, age appropriate man she had spent the latter part of her twenties dreaming about. Instead he was a self-assured, 26 year old who was just starting his career. She on the other hand was 31, had her own flat and was a well positioned manager at a thriving multinational company. They’d met at a training course where she was an invited speaker and he was part of the tutees. They exchanged business cards during lunch and, barely two weeks later, their lips were locked in passionate kiss. At first, she thought it would be something physical, where she could find some sort of avenue to release sexual tension. But, as the relationship progressed, she found that the only physical tension was the difference in their ages. Bayo, to her, was perfect in every other respect. They shared similar passions in life; he understood her better than anyone she had ever dated and, more importantly, she knew he loved her and she loved him too. Unfortunately, a five-year age difference, coupled with the vast gap in their career and financial standing, caused Nneka to hide her relationship with her young lover from her friends for months- including me. But anytime we met up, I always commented about how radiant she looked. At one point, I actually suspected that she might be pregnant because she just had this glow and calmness about her.

In January this year, Nneka relented and told me about her relationship with Bayo. With tears in her eyes, she told me how Bayo had proposed on the 31^st of December and how the realization of the hopelessness of their relationship finally hit her. The ring which was meant to be a symbol of his love for her became a reminder instead of just how impossible their love was to be. Nneka literally quivered as she asked me how she could marry someone who was not only younger in age, but was totally incapable of taking care of her. How was she going to introduce him to her parents? What would people think? Her biggest fear was also meeting his parents. “His mother would think I am an old dried-up woman who wants to come and steal her son” she said in between tears. I felt sorry for her on many levels. Being an old friend, I had seen her struggle in previous relationships and even without being told, I had seen the glow of happiness that she basked in when she was with Bayo. And now I could see the pain and bitterness she was in as she relayed her tale to me and her tears stained my pillowcase.

When she finally left my house, I couldn’t help but wonder how unpredictable love really is. We really have no way of choosing who we fall in love with. People argue that loving with your head is the only way to avoid the pitfalls of love; I disagree. Personally, I am of the opinion that any type of love which flows from a sensible disposition isn’t love; rather, it’s a watered down version of the original thing. To me, love is all about reckless abandon, the unexpected turn of events that make life colourful and worth living for, not the pre-calculated set of events that lead you to the one you think you ought to be with. To me the beauty of love is sometimes found in the awkwardness of the events that surround it all. The effort put in by both parties to surmount the challenges of being together, the difficult times that end with renewed reinstatements of love and the eventual strength of depth between the couple when they realize just how much they have overcome to be together. That, to me, is the genuineness of love- the capacity to make it work regardless of the awkward places in which we find it.

After much blood and tears, Nneka and Bayo will be getting married in two weeks. In February, Bayo got promoted to Assistant Regional Director, the youngest person in his company’s history to ever hold that position and has been transferred to the UK head office. The couple have decided to have a small civil ceremony with close friends and family just before they relocate. Nneka’s warm happy glow has returned and her mother-in-law to be loves her like a daughter.

To me, the lesson in this story is simple- sometimes it is in the awkwardness of love that we find the perfection we seek.

By: Glory Edozien